Shawshank

There are some long nights in a man's life.
Today is one for me.
I watched The Shawshank Redemption.

Good that I stayed long.

I love the air gushing onto my face while gazing out from the train, standing at the door.

It was for this elevating feeling and a two-three days stay with my extended family that I headed for Ernakulam, monday last. I also had an engagement function of a dear cousin to miss by a few hours, thanks to the exam I had on that same day. I had very few thoughts else and very few questions. Having had faced the good half of my semester exams with heady mixes of tea and eleventh hour Photostats, I needed a small reminder of places and people elsewhere. That was all I wanted of it.

But during my stay that got elongated to fill full seven days, I undertook a few journeys of the kind that re-kindle in you questions about one’s roots. Which place do you call ‘Home’? Which place do you yearn to go back to? Who were the deities of your forbears? And where do those stone idols now rest, having been transposed with all customary honours and rituals?

In a temple called ‘Aameda’, named for its tortoise (aama) deity, not one but many idols of serpent gods and goddesses rest. In Kerala, serpents were worshipped and they are part of lore. Though my knowledge of these kinds of tales is limited, I have faint remembrances of a king being bitten to death by a serpent despite of the precautions he had had taken. Aameda is famous nowadays because it has become the resting place of serpent deities from many ancestral houses of central Kerala. The temple has received them deities because the respective places were chosen as building sites of the new age.

With their transposition ‘a few things were forgotten that never should have been’.

Among those God-heads some were from my peoples lands. The serpent was worshipped to ward off disease and evil. And when I visited Aameda, I had that one prayer.

In another place named Engandiyoor, quite near to Guruvayoor, the native land of one of my uncles’ I had the opportunity to see a still un-transposed ‘sarpa-kaavu’. Mine was a journey of discovery, indeed. I have seen such places elsewhere. In Karikkam temple, there is a huge sarpa-kaavu. The snake-idols are usually ensconced inside the canopy of forests where temperatures fall a tad below ambient. In regions infested with deadly and dangerous snakes, snake-worship is said to ward off fatal snake-bites. I do not know of any science behind this. But the wise man who was in charge of the latter place I mentioned stood testament for this anecdote. No doubt India has a wide array of exotic and poisonous snakes. But I have heard that Australia hosts the most poisonous of serpents. Is there snake-worship in Australia???

My journey also helped me re-acquaint with the geographies of two renowned temples – Guruvayoor and Tripunithura. My usual visits to Ernakulam are too short to permit such pious escapades. But this time was different.

I also gazed at a half-completed two storey dream. And taking cue decided a few things and kept them unto myself.

Another difficult lunch!

I had to set out for Kottayam, last Sunday on an errand. More a token of commitment than an errand. An old friend was getting his sister married off. There were around fifty people in my class of yore. Five of us turned up for the engagement. That is one in ten , hmm, I am not satisfied.

But five we were and our rural exploit of Kottayam was memorable and would be for life-long. The local bus from Kottayam to uzhavoor wound through seemingly never ending roads taking us into the heart of rural Kottayam. The same feeling you would have in any other part of rural Kerala, a welcome feeling, soon engulfed me. Achu got the cue too and he noted the same to me. Travel brings a pleasure that can be brought by naught else.

In ways more than one my engineering education has begun to turn out to be a time of travel and tour. In the past year and a half I have had opportunity to see rural places in five districts. Palode(Trivandrum), Soochipara and edakkal (Wayanad), Chemberi (Kannur), Mararikulam (Allepy) and Aswin's place (Kozhikode).

Post the function I messaged my sister -

"Yet another difficult christian lunch. I still remain a vegetarian, non-alcoholic" !

So much for what I hold true !!!!


And look who is God's right hand.

Banglored, Backstabbed and Back!

Last week was fun, as I was all over Bangalore. Under the aegis of my cousin t3rmin4t0r who is working at Yahoo, Bangalore, I rejoiced a laid back vacation. And there was of course Vaisakh, who took my Scary House ticket. The biggest place I have seen yet, Banglore (Hmm, is it?)- impressed in form, grandeur and spirit (Hmm, did it?).

I took two full weeks to read 'the Sicilian'. Sicily is treacherous, with backstabbers and bandits, rogues and usurpers, people on the two extremes of love et al. Sicily in hindsight, resembles my circumstances. I am doing third year at CET, if you need reminding. This place is equally deep with self-centered people and treacherous cheaters, money-swindlers et al but/and also thick acquaintances. Backstabbers, deceptive deceivers and loose-mouthers. I am not exaggerating. It is a place to learn strategy, to sit and watch and learn and so on. I have had a few lessons. I am not saying that I invited everyone when I adventured, I did'nt. Not that my small group packed bags for places while announcing our plans in inviting tones. We fuuking did'nt. Its dog eat dog and I ate some and got eaten as well. But at the end of the day, I realize the sicilian saying, "only the man who plays alone, wins".

I am back from the out3rorbiT! Obviously it did'nt go well.

out3rorbiT - the brief!

Welcome to the out3rorbiT. And I live here.

---

Yes, I agree this is a strange place and herein is a strange man.

---

When I look back in life, I see pain and when I relax I have painful memories. Perhaps not because my life was full of pain, but maybe because I recieved the pain to my heart and I gave only fleeting attention to the few good things that churned out in between. Its not about attitude, I will tell you. Not about the gutts. For my gutts,I will tell you, people will kill for it !

When I look back at relationships my eyes fill with tears. Not because they didnt give me fruit, nor because the fruit was sour. But just because I can't bear the weight any longer. I do not want to elucidate, I can't.

---

Vishnu had a few good habits and a few good traits. Some passions, some touchstones and a few dreams. The habits were fine, the passions too. But they stopped clicking dreams. They did.

So I made a place called the out3rorbiT, and this place comes along with me. It is more like me taking the orbiT along as if it is a bag. I chose the out3rorbiT, because the planet farthest away from the sun travels the slowest.

---

This is a place to lie in waiting. The place to hide, not so much as to bury oneself beneath the irrevocable mist of time. But just the place for a delay loop to come a full loop. I will bail out from here. I do not know when, but it will happen some day.

Awhile I will have time to read and write for myself, to understand the computer, to define a few muscles, to concentrate on logic, to unravel my Gods and listen ignorantly to music. Leave me alone as I do all this, please do. For I wont reciprocate to you if you will care to care.

This place is one without insecurities. You would feel as odd as you would in a planet with lesser gravity.

This place is one without responsibilities. You would feel like you are in a planet that does not care about its moon.

This place is called the out3rorbiT. And I live here.


th3margi

---

Apr 1 , 2007

4:00pm.

Ubuntu - :-)

"A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed."


Archbishop Desmond Tutu

CULT SONG VIDEO

I wanted to participate in English Extempore but then Wayanad happened!

I love the cool breeze brushing my face while standing on the edge of the train bogey, staring at the fast moving expanses of green fields and sturdy palms. I love to be alone and talking to myself. It is perhaps the best time to think about oneself and also to forget about oneself; and both at the same time! I have always been warned about standing thus, but I have loved to see my shadow dance along at the train's pace, despite the landscape; flitting by the train and jumping at every odd stone.

------

After Ragam, Eric asked me 'was the promise kept?'.

Yes it was fucking kept fuckingly!

------

When I was in s4, I was disillusioned about Ragam and CET. I had castles in the air and an air of cheer. I had thrown an ace hoping that the nine was amiss, but bingo! came down the nine and drowned my ace.

------

I saw a few TV slow shots and found that the most venomous of snakes arch backwards to take aim before lurching to bite. And I learned somewhere along the way that the fighter might crouch before the pounce.

I can say that I wrote whatever I did write with a sense of purpose and with audacity wherever it needed to be. And I read with an open mind and acuity. I went along with a bubbly spirit and met with dire death a coupla times but remained stone facedly stoical. I found in people the will to do and aided them doing. I sapped from them without compromise. But like the snake and the fighter when did I take the breather that ain't a breather! Okay I take it now!

------

Wayanad is the most beautiful place in Kerala. And that is where it all distilled over.

There were tea estates and scenic backdrops on the way....

A rock and a few rock climbers....

A cave and a few old paintings and writings...

A waterfall and a few jobless people.

We all posed for photos, wondered at what we saw and imagined being heroes.

The rock climbing at Edakkal taught me the value of perseverance.
The cave writings humbled me.
And Soochipara mesmerized!

Thanks Pranav for helping us in not being killed by Eric.
Thanks Ajay Chettan for the camera gimmicks.
Thanks Amar for the one-liners.
Thanks Aravind and Vineeth for the safe driving.
Thanks Pattar for the foiled drama.
And Thanks Eric for all the POLICING!

Now to be reclusive and distanced. Lost.
I came home to durga and her hymns.

PS:- Eric wanted an explosive and a forceful blog. I wanted a soft one with a lot of hidden jabs and pre-suppositions. I win!

Ragam beckons

“Do what kicks you.”, said Ananth Padmanabhan on one of his routine visits to my place.

I looked back at college life and I found, that, it's pretty much what I have done over the past two years and a half. I have been a small part of big things and thats the way I like it. I haven't run things, but I have been part of running things.

And its always small things that kick me!

Despite my effort to repeat for JEE I gave my part in first year. Despite the extenuating circumstances of my household I gave my part in the past three sems too. This sem ain't no different. Tomorrow I pack for Calicut. RAGAM. It might mark the fag end of what I do for the college! I have no idea what is in store. Let me take it as it comes.

But this Ragam is different. I go with a queer set of people. People whom I have looked upto before!

More on that later, maybe.

Last year was quite fun and interesting despite Silk Route :-) .......

I was able to pay back a small installment of a loan yesterday, Thanks to Eric. It is a kind of a loan that will never be repaid fully. But I will keep trying! Keep trying, I will!

They dun hav a smiley for this!

ORIGINAL CHATLOG

(10:55:57 IST) elf: yeah got
(10:55:59 IST) elf: 1 sec
(10:56:16 IST) themargi: mann me gotta bail fast tellme ur first reaction !
(10:56:25 IST) themargi: abt the reduced no: of fukin steps
(10:57:01 IST) elf: k
(10:58:09 IST) elf: shit Firefox can't establish a connection to the server at us.f513.mail.yahoo.com.
(10:58:17 IST) themargi: _|_
(10:58:23 IST) themargi: like i always say
(10:58:30 IST) themargi: they dun hav a smiley for this

New Orkut abt me Mirrored!!

I have changed this column many times.
[And I have had a very dedicated fan following for this column:- frankly!]
Tells a lot about me not being a 'fixed construct'! Keeps changing! Has a very 'fluid' character for that matter.

Not just that but also this that one small column is too short for describing individuals.

There are people who leave this column unfilled and also people who give a link to their blog. I do not want to leave this unfilled nor do I want to leave a link to my blogspot.
My blog too aint not complete. Its a concoction of personal reflections and it is as incomplete as my about me tab has ever been.

The following has been my blogger 'about me' for long now!

"On a short journey called 'life'; intrepid at exploring the whole road; indefatigable and travelling even through the nights; perspicacious to learn from every crossing; gregarious and convivial at the weekend parties;eclectic in philosophy and ideals;cogent, forceful and vociferous in speech; ingenuous in relationships; crusader of the written word and a dilettante at etymology."

Contrary to it, I do not want my life to be short, I stay within my confines mostly instead of trekking through the whole road and I am sleepy by 1 a.m! I have not learned all I could from my failures, I havent accepted from the pick of philosophies, I have enjoyed very few parties, have won too few debates, done too little of literary crusades and have been silent at the most compromising of moments.

Despite such dire incongruities, the stuff remains my best 'about me'!

th3margi
5/3/07

XGL Beryl Screenshot - (Edgy)

First cut is the deepest!!

The first cut is the deepest

Sheryl crow


I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken all that I had
But, if you want, I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby, I know, the first cut is the deepest
When it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worse

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure gonna give you a try
And, if you want, I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby, I know, the first cut is the deepest
When it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worse


------------

"amaroK" rocks dood3!

I came to hear sheryl crow while amarok was cooking random playlists for me while I was sitting 'not so unusually jobless' in front of zaphod (machine name).
And I thought about my search for my girl. And how the search continued.

March

March is in the air. A new March.
One of promise and a few calls.

MAGIC

I am here for personal reflection. I have turned into a very poor blogger. I do not blog about what I do, mostly. Not even about where all I go. Its increasingly personal reflection. Not that things are not happening. They are. But for me my disillusionment and loss are still the issues that find blogspace.

Despite the disillusionment I find that I cant keep from contributing. This week was for the college mag stuff with pattar. Quality stuff.

“What do we write for the college mag.. we wondered.. and we zeroed in on 'nonsense'.. Not nonsensical prose mind you..but how absurd is the logic behind the world’s behaviour at large.. “

What churned out is not exactly nonsense. We dug at all 'em big guys. We dug at them who we think are our people and they would take it in their stride. Why not one peg for torque when they are household name. What about one for Pranav, the gsec. Why not roast Eric, pattar, Anila and kk.

Between I got kicked with caffeine. That was pattar's magic. How could it happen just after being swahahed.

Today was rocking. CCD is magic. They sell all the God knows what at exorbitant prices and I still keep going.

It was t3rmin4tor's treat. Me, Reuben, Kamal and Manu.

Despite the disillusionment and excessive school-nostaliga-obsession, I know these guys too are my people. Driven. Hilarious. Able. Thanks Manu for Uniart. Kamal for Opera and Reuben for What not!

Thanks t3rmin4tor for dapper.

Thanks Lord for all the magic.

Dapper

I know an amazing guy. I know t3rmin4tor.

What do I do/need to do in Windows.
Yup Start counting.
Writing and Reading documents. Playing media. Using the internet. DVD write/read. Watch TV
Pretty much sums it up.
So what if I do it all in linux.
Its open source and free software.

UBUNTU

INFORMATION:- The pic has been partly blurred.
PS:- Thanks Anoop for the CD.

GURU

You talk about honesty and faith in one go.
That is what I like about you.

If you want to fight like Gurubhai, become Gurubhai.
But, there is only one Gurubhai.

Let them talk about yesterday.
We will talk about tomorrow.

A dig at ERIC:- He had it coming.

Eric had it all coming. Like after having me swahahaed with qwahah the -eric,p@tt@r, aravind et ajay- gang had this coming. But p@tt@r being an old friend and sayi-ku co-founder I let him off. Aravind and Ajay bhai were petty abettors in the crime. Eric with his hefty frame and 'i am game 'demeanour was not going scott free. (In case you do not know an ounce about me being swahahaed with qwahah, please free to read this .)

So I gave the guy a nice dig and it went thus .

buhahaha

Warning :- Do not mess with me.

I used to eat sweets slowly.

I used to eat sweets slowly, very very slowly, savouring every mouth watering nibble. Somewhere along I started gulping them down and that’s when I started losing. I can’t give you an exact date, sorry friend. Nevertheless I would like to savour them like before; for then I was smarter and more importantly innocent enough to believe that sweets are sweeter when taken slowly. Somewhere along I lost the innocence. Till yesterday I did not care who the fuck would be reading my blog. Today I am too tired to care. But I hope I will wake refreshed tomorrow.

My school gave me a few tools and my teachers blessed them on farewell day. I put them in my bag, carried the magis, and returned home a proud loyolite with an ex- in between. Today I spotted my old school bag but the tools had rusted. I was awed and wasted no time in cleaning them with oil and paint. They lie beside me now sparkling neat and ready. But I find my shoulders weak for the day, and I can bear them only after a nice long rest.

I have lived with people and I have seen that some of them are driven. I have seen people go to all ends. I have seen focus and determination. I have badly wanted to identify with them. I was disillusioned, and the general fabric of my college fuelled my disillusionment. It was all because of my inability to watch-out for detail. The lack of an eye for detail, I understand, now that I reflect in retrospect.

I come from extenuating circumstances, friend. But that is no longer reason to me.

I have lived with people and some of them have been exceptional in thought and deed. I have stood positively aghast at them. There are people who have a special knack to run the world. There are good people in the world. No wonder I managed truck loads of blood for my father before he packed his bags. Unfair to him, he was given no choice but to pack. But getting back to those special people, I found them invigourating.

I have found them dotting my schoolscape, my college’s fabric, my cityscape, and the alumini of my institutions. That’s clue enough for me to tell they dot the world. And what did I take from them? Did I come home tired that I badly needed sleep because my energies were spent to make the world a changed place; that I felt a heart-warming satisfaction? Did I? Did I not shy away from my jobs when they were ready and lay?

I waited for people to pick them when I could have.

I have lived with people and some of them have been truly unconscionable. I have never even sensed the meaning of being so until off very late. I have lived with people and some of them have been all filth. Shame on me that I chanced by them with an eye for detail off-late! Who is a friend, my friend? The one who tells you to tag along and gives you his scale? I am sad that I buried mine in my schoolbag and I had to use other peoples’ scales and weighing pans when I had mine. The real friend would instinctively prod you to your own devices. I found today that my friends are those people who go home drained of their energies after having diverted them through the day for all that they thought were worth fighting for.

I do not know you by first name friend, because you keep changing shape and form. But you come to me everyday with your quests. I have felt exhilarated by your energy. You have no name because you are not always one and the same. But I do not feel a difference for I identify not with you but your trademark manoeuvrability.

You are free to slap me on my face from tomorrow on, but you better have a reason.

Did I do what I felt is right? Did I drain my energy for what calls I got? Did I answer them, my calls? If so, you have no reason to slap me. And I know that you won’t if I keep these few records straight. Did I eat my sweets slowly and then you can fuck off unmindful of the slap.

Tomorrow you would find me head held high, my weight on my sturdy legs, traversing the college lobby with a clear conscience and a broad mind. Tomorrow you would find me at the school chapel, palpably silent and devout. You would even find me home reading the works of great men. You might even see me take a voluptuous bite from a coffee brown cookie careful to melt it in my mouth before sinking it down in slow speed and mirth. If not as I said you can slap me but I won’t give you even a wanton chance.

Spare me for today but, for I need a nice long sleep.

A battle begins.

A battle begins.

It is as much a battle against convention as against change.
It is as much a battle against myself as against the world.
It is as much a battle against individuals as against their conglomerates.

It is more intellectual a battle than physical. It is more spiritual than it is intellectual.

Nevertheless it is a battle. A rebellion. A revolt. Therefore there would be blood, there would be destruction. But it is a revolution. There will be a new dawn every day. A new synergy, a new spirit, a new form for the old.

In my battle I am both beholden to everyone and everything, but at the same time independent and free.

I would be a loner in the war. But I wont be alone all through. I might have to take a leaf from your books, and you might even want a couple from mine. I would still be alone and mind you, you too.

Not that I wont befriend. Not that I wont criticize. Not that I wont partake. Not that I wont share. Not that I wont at times be hostile and inimical. Just that at the end of the day, my battle would be with my mind and its perceptions and yours with yours.

"Our greatest battles are with our own minds."
- Jameson Frank


12/2/07
2:15 pm